Why doesn't it get easier?

In less than 50 days, I'll be saying goodbye to Korea and to Samjeong and to my life here in Seoul and moving back to the US.   Despite all the new starts I've had in the last few years, I'm nervous to do it again.

What if I can't find a job? What if I don't fit in anymore? What if I miss my life abroad? What if I regret not having stayed in Korea? What if I can't settle?  What if I end up 'failing'?

These thoughts whirl around in my head. I know in the logical part of my mind that there was always uncertainty at every start that I've undertaken.   One year ago today, I had no clue about where in Seoul I would be teaching, who I would be teaching, who I'd be working with or even where I would be living.  Go back another three years from then and I was just starting my last semester of undergrad and I had zero clue about what would happen once I moved to Germany.  But in the end, everything always worked out, in fact, better than anything I could have planned.

Soon I will be going to a place I've lived the majority of my life.  There are less unknowns this time around, and yet it doesn't seem to help.

If any of you are HIMYM fans, you might remember the episode where Marshall wants to quit his job, but just when he's about to do it, he feels this wave of nostalgia at every turn making him think 'this job isn't too bad', even though he hated his work at Goliath National Bank.  Part of that preference to stick with the old, is because it's familiar and letting go means choosing an unknown over certainty.   I think I'm entering that period now in Korea.

Wishing myself courage and luck to do it all over one more time.

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